Headlines

The recent news story about alleged Russian spy Anna Chapman caught my eye in particular for the continuous use of the phrase REDHEAD SPY in newspaper headlines, including this one, which is illustrated by a picture of a woman who is clearly a BRUNETTE.

This highlighted the REDUCTIVE NATURE and SEXISM of the press – this theme has been covered in depth by an article in the London Evening Standard, which I can now no longer locate!

Here is the beige-jacketed spy in action in Times Square – probably during a covert mission or something.



Anyway, this got me thinking about the general ABSURDITY of press headlines, which by their nature must be reductive, but also eye-catching.

A few years ago I saw a headline in the Manchester Evening News exclaiming MAN FOUND ALIVE IN STOCKPORT, which is an example of SEMANTIC AMBIGUITY.

This ramps up the SOCIAL DEPRIVATION and URBAN DECAY of the former industrial town, while also playing on its PAROCHIAL rivalry with Manchester.

Is this a clumsy accident, or the deliberate work of a wry-eyed Mancunian subeditor? Sadly, my experience of the Manchester Evening News would lead me to believe the former.

However, some headlines are clearly intentionally ambiguous, like this one from The South London Press that I heard about: ELEPHANT RATS INVADE ICELAND.

Apparently, the article was about rodent infestation at an Elephant and Castle branch of the popular frozen food store...

Interestingly there is a technical term for semantically/syntactically ambiguous headlines – CRASH BLOSSOMS – which originates from a headline which is not actually funny. The ultimate Crash Blossom is the mythical World War I headline EIGHTH ARMY PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMAN REAR – there is a whole website dedicated to ambiguous headlines here.

Speaking of parochialism reminds me of a story my uncle told me that when the RMS (ROYAL MAIL SHIP) Titanic sank in 1912, the headline in Glasgow was GLASGOW MAN DIES AT SEA.

Some tentative googling tells me that, not only is this story probably apocryphal, it is also not exclusive to Glasgow, with citations coming from various parts of Scotland and England.

The helpful Newsletter of the International Society for Contemporary Legend Research says that various permutations of this headline are often cited as examples of EXTREME PAROCHIALISM, though none has ever been verified.

The most extreme, ascribed to The Press and Journal of Aberdeen is TITANIC SINKS: LOCAL MAN LOSES POCKET WATCH.

The Newsletter also notes that CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED film director Ethan Coen, in the introduction to the published screenplay of Fargo says that Trotsky lived for a time in New York, accounting for this headline which appeared in a local paper in October 1917: BRONX MAN LEADS RUSSIAN REVOLUTION.

I also want to talk about headlines which reduce TRAGIC SITUATIONS into COMIC ABSURDITY.

My friend told me about this headline in a Brighton newspaper: WINDOW CLEANER KILLED BY GIANT NOVELTY PENCIL.

There is something about the FUTILITY of the man's job and the PUERILE TRIVIALITY of the giant pencil which combine to create a truly awe-inspiring piece of tragicomedy.

The same story in the Mirror is even illustrated with this picture! I'm pretty sure this is a standard size pencil.



The story turns out to be about a man with a history of psychosis who committed suicide by stabbing himself repeatedly in the groin with what the Mirror refers to as a JUMBO SOUVENIR PENCIL.

This is clearly a bona fide tragedy, but can the media be blamed for their reporting on this? Maybe they are just reflecting THE ABSURD which pervades every corner of life.

Finally, more food for thought is this recent headline from The Metro: WRESTLING MIDGETS KILLED BY FAKE HOOKERS, which is absolutely not misleading.